From the need to Pour

I've a had a long, lonely weekend and it gave me time to think and speculate, maybe more than was bargained for. I came to an interesting conclusion the other day. I was watching 'The Departed' and it skillfully ended with a picture of a rat. The shot immediately made me go back to the times I'd been a rat and betrayed someone. I felt so sad and gloomy. Then I thought to myself, why do I always keep going back to those days?To that part of my childhood?It's been way too many years and so much has happened, but it seems that I haven't outgrown the me that was then.

I pondered over it in the shower and realized that all the major traits of my personality haven't  really changed since then. It's still the same kind of music, and it still makes me weep, it's still those gory nightmares, those books and works. But more importantly, it's still those principles and ideals. It's like I'm on automatic preservation mode.
Back then I didn't even realize that they'd have such a gripping influence on my life. Never knew that I'd adhere to them so stringently..and then inevitably came the thought:what if it had been different?what if Ihadn't met the people I did, didn't read the books I did, didn't cultivate the ideas that were..what if..would I have been not what I am today?Or was this- this creation of 'me'- just waiting to happen and would have,sooner or later?But no matter what, the impact of one particular friendship was, and still continues to be, immense.
It was by a random shuffling of classes that we met and before we knew it, started the all-important exchange of thoughts,ideas,books,music..and i was never the same again.and even to this day,I can see myself going through life and making decisions with the voices of the younger me and her somewhere in my mind.

Happy Realization to me. :)

Save thy Soul

I'm losing a part of me. Not just any part, it's the one that describes my very essence. Can't figure out a way to hold it, to be. The unthinkable has happened. I'm letting myself become engulfed in the crowd. Swallowed to the point of not being able to turn back.
I've always loved myself foremost. And I've always also had reason to do so. I've prided in living by myself, my ideals and judgement alone. People have come and gone, and I've found precious ones. But never,in the process have I compromised my integrity. I've been brave enough to let go and walk alone.
That was the me I adored.
Now it's just bits and pieces.
I no longer create or evolve, just 'do' to obtain sanction.
There comes a point in our lives when we realize we're not even half of what we'd dreamt to be.
This is mine.

Never have I ever

Its a new year and everywhere around me people are making lists and resolutions. For some, its about things to get done this year, or a list of goals, for others its a to-NOT-do list. But since I'm the kind of person who doesn't believe in goody-goody goals or holds regrets, I made a whole different kinda list for myself. I went up to the terrace, on a thankfully sunny afternoon, gazed into the green fields, and searched my soul for the things that I have never ever done and will (or will not) do someday. Its crazy,and it makes me happy.


Here goes :
1.Board a random train.
2.Perform on a stage, with a real band. And real audience.
3.Dance wild, all night. Rooftop preferred.

4.Join a parade. St. Patrick's day, LGBT, anything..
5.Fight. Beat the hell out of someone.
6.Make a mini movie. Camera, I love you.
7.Cook a grand (and hopefully delicious) meal.

8.Color my hair purple. Or red.
9.Take my dog swimming.
10.Solve a mystery (am I getting too wishful here?).
11.Weigh a hundred pounds (over-the-top-wishful).
12.Design a dress.
13.Drive on the highway. Full speed. Loud Music.
14.Stand up for a friend, for a cause.
15.Watch a comet.
16.Get a tattoo(s).
17.Dive. Always been too scared for that.
18.Gamble. Moolah baby.


There are a few more, but they just won't make it online.:P

Never Have I Ever II