07/2/08 (eleventh standard:hopes and fears)
Faith/Hope is a very strange thing. Till it's there, everything is possible, your imagination runs wild, you're happy, optimistic, secure.
But when the thread breaks, things go ugly. Fear suffocates. The demons inside resurface. Insecurity alienates you as you realize you still stand alone.
Somewhere in this state, your logic becomes harsher, the truth comes at you with all it's
yourself and where the others have. You know you can't do much about it except cry, curse
and feel blue. But things have to go on. And so you drag it.
But I'd wonder how long I could take it. Piece by piece I'm giving it up..fading.
I know what all I am capable of having and I also know that I am capable of undoing it
all..and I look at both options indifferently.
16/04/10 (first year in college:can we be friends?)
'Oh simple thing:where have you gone?I'm getting older and need something to rely on'
Complications, everywhere. Never knew I'd have to think so much on every decision and
that every decision could have so many outcomes attached. All I wish for is
simplicity. Laugh when happy, cry when sad and say what's on my mind and just be me. I
don't wanna be another mask, another well camouflaged friend or love or enemy..
Reality is fleeting. Illusion is chaos, neverending.
Ah, but I'll think and speak of happier times,when words escaping my mouth weren't
judged and weighed and filtered, but accepted and stored somewhere, and added to my
image. When laughter came like flowing water and swept away all feeling, uniting everyone
adrift. Sometimes I think whether it was enough to know what all was and would be
possible, and soothe the restlessness with a promise. Sometimes the restlessness
overpowers, refusing to be tamed and there I am, futilely caged.
But I love myself and I would love to embrace the tears, let them flow and cleanse
me, leaving me empty and bereft of ache. Then when the silence is achieved and I am
myself and one, there I'd begin the quest again and look for those sparkling diamonds in
the coal, to keep them safely with me forever.
02/07/11(third year in college:what's next?)
Everyday I come across people..people who have it all/are hollow/with that zealous
dedication towards something, others laidback and pointing fingers..and I think, which
one of them is me?who am I supposed to be?
Would I be lost in the crowd?what do I need to do to stand out?
I don't remember what happened to that thing called ambition, it seems to have disappeared along the way, when I decided it wasn't worth it. And then, it was just about ideals..what is my highest ideal?and more importantly,am I enough for it?
But that I may be incomplete now doesn't matter, cuz there is more to see and learn. What matters is time.
Only time matters. Time is god isn't it?it runs out and bhaam..there goes destiny, ambitions, karma, everything. The day I realized that the clock
is ticking, I became mad. I don't keep clocks around me, I don't wear watches. I don't
like keeping time, don't like to hear it pass by. Instead I'm clutching at the moments, trying to
stretch them to infinite.
Life is the shit that happens to you when you're busy making plans for tomorrow.
Life is now.
I've always maintained that happiness and satisfaction lies in simplicity.
Let's face it:we spend our lives finding solutions, setting definitions and limits-simplifying things.